Thursday, December 16, 2010

Be Joyful Always!

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

This is a great verse, I wish I would have come across it sooner! Today has been such a wonderful day. First Daddy and I went out and bought some colored Christmas lights a few days ago to put around Emmy's bed and this morning she was just so intrigued by them, it was quite wonderful to look at.

Next let me first start off by saying that while in the hospital Emerson was tolerating about 10 bites or less of baby food a day, when we got home she started eating about a jar of baby food a day, well today she ate a WHOLE jar of baby food. I couldn't be more excited. Yesterday she ate her normal half a jar so I had half left for today and I gave it to her and she ate it pretty quickly. Well usually after a half a jar you can tell she's full and begins to get sleepy too well today she was a smacking away so I decided to get another jar and see, I mean if she didn't eat it I was just going to put it in the fridge for tomorrow anyway so no loss there. But she ate and ate and ate. This is such a big baby step in the right direction. I say big baby step because it is very big that she's begining to eat a jar of baby food but the nutritionist said that she would have to be eating that for at least a week to make any changes in her tube feedings and she'd have to eat three total jars at least before begining to think about getting the g-tube out. Which is fine by me but my point is that she is making baby steps in the right direction! Go Emmy Go!

Brings me to my next thing to be excited about today..... Emerson say her speech therapist today from Early Steps at about 2:30 well after she left at 3:30 her brother was about to get home, I needed to start dinner, and her meds were about due so I layed her on the sofa. While she was laying there I was just talking to her like I always do. Stroking her hair and her face and smoothering her in kisses (which she doesn't like too much she makes a face and goes into extention ah well I am not giving up on my kisses.) Well all of a sudden she started smiling, I yelled for my husband and he couldn't believe it either! This is exciting for us because in the begining I asked the doctors if we'd ever see her smile or laugh again and one in particular said probably not, the Emmy you used to know you will never know again. We never lost hope, everyday we'd tickle her in her favorite spots and get nothing but we continued in hopes that one day that beautiful smile would come back. The first time we saw her smile we were at Children's hospital in front of the ball machine contraption they have and she was sleeping in her chair and all of a sudden we saw her crack a smile, like one from a newborn and everyone tells you it's gas. lol. Yeah one like that. But I took it and ran with it!!! Well we kept seeing her smile more and more but it was always in her sleep we even saw her laugh in her sleep I say saw because her face had a smile and her belly was jiggling but no noise, so guess what it was a laugh. :) Then after we were home we had a follow up visit to her neurologist and we were waiting in the room and I was streching her and talking to her and did this run, run, run thing (posted in previous post) and she cracked the biggest smile EVER! And she continued to smile in her sleep and everytime I did the run, run, run but never just smiled because of us or just smiled AWAKE it was usually always provoked. So this was soooo big. I think it also means that her sight is getting better, God I sure do hope so. This week has really been a big week for Emerson and it couldn't have happened at a better time.

Here is Emmy's new feeder seat.... but we are returning it on Tuesday because she is about to outgrow it already, so her OT said from now on she is ordering a size bigger for these kids because from the time she orders it and it comes in the kids have pretty much grown out of it. Oh we found out that Emmy grew 4-5 inches since early September when we ordered the chair she's 35" almost 3 feet! WOW! Also too she is a little cross-eyed in this picture which I just started noticing her do. Not sure what that is all about, it's not constant or anything I have only seen her do it twice this week, IDK but she did that as a newborn-3 months. ?? No clue. Cute seat huh, but notice how snug it is on her....

Another thing that is going to be hard to explain. Emmy has just been different latley. Like more alret, more aware of her surroundings, just more like shes there. Ever talk to someone and you can just see right through them and your like "hello are you there or am I talking to a wall?" Well since June 28th I have felt like I have been talking to a wall, latley I have been talking to Emerson Louise!!! And it is the best feeling ever! I don't know if she is responding more because she can see better or what it is, in fact I don't care what it is all I know is that God is doing it and answering my prayers (in his time) and we couldn't be happier! Baby steps are always better then no steps, right? RIGHT!

Thinking about it maybe all this is happening because I came out of my dark place and began back on God's path. No not maybe that is why! God is so amazing and I hope to never fall again, however I am only human but I have faith in myself that I won't.

My next goal for myself is to seek God's forgiveness....I just have a few things heavy on my heart. Sometimes I feel that you know it was an accident there was nothing that I could have done and then other times I beat myself up and say WHY didn't I just bring her in my bedroom with me? I am also mad at myself for being the typical mom who wants to go to the bathroom by herself. I mean my son was NOT attached to me at all but Emmy was attached at the hip I couldn't go ANYWHERE without her crying for me or crying the whole time until I returned for that matter even if she was with daddy, and I'd get annoyed sometimes bc I needed me time and I feel so guilty about it, now I would give ANYTHING to have her follow me in the bathroom and be attached! Well like I said that is my next goal, seek God's forgiveness and more importantly seek forgiveness for myself, I really think I need that before I can totally move on. We shall see. 

I will be joyful always! And I will continue to pray! I will thank God for every situation; like my husband always always says "there is always someone worse off then you." And even though we are in a pretty upsetting position I know there is someone worse then us, and it actually makes me sad. Please continue to P.U.S.H. for Emerson! God bless you all!  

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