Saturday, March 19, 2011

Emotional Week

This week has been a busy emotional week for me. First with Emerson being sick and then me being so nervous for such a simple outpatient procudure that she was having. First it was scheduled for Tuesday but since she was sick they cancelled. And they didn't have any other appointments until May. I was a little upset, but they called 10 minutes later and were able to get us in on Friday for noon because there was a cancellation. Thank goodness because waiting until May is for the birds.

So Friday came and we followed all instuctions and only gave Emerson her million medications with a 30 cc flush at 8 am and headed to Children's at 10:45 am. With all the Huey P Long taffic you can never leave too early. We got there around 11:45 am and were seen right away. Emerson was starving by this point because she hadn't eaten since 8 pm the night before. We got to the back where they began going over what they were going to use to sedate her and all the precautions. While the doctor was talking Emerson bit her finger, again. This was not the first time she's bitten it Thursday, the day before, was actually the first time. Thursday when she bit it she cryed a big whale of a cry immediatly with tears pouring down her face and two teeth marks on her right hand pointer finger. My mom and I looked at her with a smile because a down pour of tears we have never seen before and because all the doctors said that she can't feel anything and if she does it's delayed. HA! I got news for them she can most definitly feel and it's for sure not delayed. lol. So anyway when she bit her finger at Children's Britten and I just looked at each other like again? And I looked back to pick her up and comfort her and notice a pool of blood dripping from her finger. Yes a pool of blood. I kid you not. The nurse and doctor didn't seemed bothered by it at all but Britten and I freaked out a bit. I even asked the nurse to take a look at it because the way she bit it she left about four indivdual teeth marks. It was bad. My poor baby. Well I cleaned up her booboo and put a bandaid on it and sat back down to talk to the doctor while holding and comforting Emerson. Dr. Levine asked if she had done this before and I told him yes and he said it's typical 2 year old action. It's self stimulation. He said ever seen a 2 year old hit, bit, and slap themselves. And I said yes. He said that's all self stimulation. So I took that and ran with it. I am taking that as a good thing, even though I really don't think she is doing it on purpose. I think it's when she's hungry she puts her fist in her mouth and starts sucking and biting and latley just this week she's been biting more then sucking and is biting a little too hard and I don't think she quite knows how to let go. Hopefully this gets out of her system soon. Anyway back to the procudure. After all the precautions were discussed Dr. Levine decided to sedate her with Chloral via g-tube instead of starting an IV and giving meds through that. Thank goodness, I thought that was a fantastic idea. So the nurse came in and gave her a niiicceee little dose of the sedation medication and brought me a rocker to rock my sweet princess to sleep. So we rocked and about 10 minutes later she was out and 2 minutes after that the tech came in to set up the equipment for the procudure and told me I could go take my time, eat, and relax because the procudure would take 2 hours. So I gave her lots of kisses and headed to the caferteria for lunch. As I got downstairs I get a phone call from Joseph's principal that it was a half day at school and no one was home and he was dropped of at aftercare. GREAT! I totally forgot about my son and his half a day at school. Mother of the year award? NOT! So Nanny Shea came to the rescue and picked him up from school and brought him to her house to play. About an 1 hour passed and we headed back to the 2nd floor of Children's (red elevators lol) and asked if they were done, they were not so we sat out in the waiting room waiting for them to come get us. About 20 minutes later or less they came and got us and we walked to the back as Emmy was just starting to wake up. The nurse gave her some pedisure via g-tube so she wouldn't get sick from the sedation and we were free to go. Simple, right! I don't know what I was so nervous for. Oh well I guess it's just being a mommy you worry for everything your kids go through. Emerson was waking from the sedation a bit but was still very droggy. We headed to pick bubby up from Nanny's and headed home. We should get the results from the test sometime next week. She was having what's called a triple evoked potential done. The best way I can describe it is they hook her up to an EEG and test her vision, hearing, and touch. The reason she needed to be sedated is because they send low voltage shocks to parts of her body to see if the signal goes to her brain. They also flash different types of lights and things in front of her eyes and see if the signal goes to her brain more importantly if the optic nerve is sending the signal back to her brain for her to get vision and third they send different sound frequencys and see if a signal goes to her brain. And that's how they'll determine if she can hear, see, and feel without her being awake.

Another thing that I have been doing this week is researching stem cells. So far what I have read it's a good thing for Emerson. It looks like it's going to cost $10,000-$20,000. And that scares me because I don't have that kind of money nor do I know if we will ever be able to raise that kind of money. Plus I stress over wanting to do everything possible for her asap because the doctors say the sooner the better for her. Well it's not something I can stress over right now, if that's the path God wants me to take to heal Emerson he will find a way and make it happen for her, I will just leave it all in his hands his knows best what to do with it all.

Emotional week, you can say that again. I don't know if it's been because of the stress and the fact that my baby boy will be 6 on Monday March 21st or what. But I have been having my moments. Still missing my Emerson and wishing so badly that life was the way it was a year ago. I would give anything to have her back. I guess the emotions were brought on by a dream I had. I had a dream that Emerson was in my bed with me and I was hugging and kissing on her like I always used to do and like any typical 18  month old she wanted to get away and down to go play not be still. So she wiggled off the bed and I grabbed her by her hands and wouldn't let her go I just kept kissing and tickling her, but she eventually got away and took off running they way she always did with that right hand up by her chest and the left just dangling and she'd wobble off. I woke up from that dream as though it had just happened I had the biggest smile on my face looked at the clock and though "oooo Emerson should be up soon" And waited about  minutes waiting to hear her yell for mommy. When I didn't I got up saw that stupid apnea monitor starring me in the face and abrutly got snapped back into my current life. Wow life can be so cruel. I was heartbroken. But I turned off her monitor and picked my baby girl up put her in the bed with me and kissed on her and played her little radio with her. I truly enjoyed it but I wish she was able to respond back to me more. I know that's what her brother and cousins miss the most as do I. We miss that reaction back. The laughing, smiling, or "No!' response. Everyone keeps saying it'll get better and I sure hope so. If that emotional day wasn't enough I was cleaning and organizing the kids room today and went through a box I had tucked to the side hidden away in Emerson's closet and low and behold found her bathing suit and old onesies I couldn't part with. I sat there smelling them and crying. I miss her so much it hurts. Then again if that's not enough. With all this party planning going on for bubby's big 6th birthday and viewing others little girls birthdays going on I can't help but wonder and think about Emerson's future birthdays. And sadly enough will she be here for them all. With the experience I've had you can't take any day for granted because even though their your kids it could be their last day. I want to play those spa partys, tea partys, and every other little girl party you can plan that you just can't plan for a little boy. Again my heart hurts so bad!!! Anyway it just breaks my heart some people have there princesses to spend time with love on, kiss, and teach and they take it all for granted. It pisses me off to be honest with you that the precious time in my daughters life was pretty much taken from me. I hate it. All I can do is pray to God that I am making the right decision for her and that with the help from medical professionals God will heal her 100%. But I have to admit I stress out so much and worry if I am making the right decisions for her. Im her mom but I don't know what non-convential therapy will heal her or if any at all will. It's a scary lonely thing to go through.

Lord, I pray that I am making all the right decisions for Emerson and that you place your hand on her and heal her.  Lord just lead me in the right direction. In Jesus name! Amen!

Please continue to P.ray U.ntil S.he's H.ealed! Many Blessings to all. Be Joyful Always!

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